When a friend we love is struggling, most of us want nothing more than to show up at their door with a big hug and a casserole. But what do we do when that friend lives 1000 miles away?
Several of you asked this exact question after reading my post about offering practical, specific help to friends who are going through it.
It was a great question (you’re very thoughtful people!), and one that I’ve enjoyed deep diving and puzzling over the last few days. Here’s the good news: there are a lot of ways to give care from afar! Between digital gift cards, delivery services like Instacart, and apps that help us stay connected, we have so many more options than we had even a decade ago.
Here’s my small challenge to you and myself: Do something, even if it feels like a ridiculous drop in the ocean of their sorrow. So much of care is simply about showing someone they’re seen and that they won’t be abandoned. Don’t let awkwardness or your inability to be physically present or a lack of money keep you from doing something.
Katharine shared this beautiful story that sums it up perfectly.
Never underestimate the power of a Starbucks gift card, y’all. Whatever you can do, big or small, it matters. Let the people in your life know they are seen, that you’re not afraid of their pain, and that you’re going to stick around.
My Best Tips for Caring for a Long Distance Friend
Alright, enough preamble from me. Let’s get down to it! Here are practical ways you can love your long distance people. I tried to include fun ideas too, because sometimes a little light hearted (or dark) humor is exactly what we need to get us through the heaviest times.
Set Reminders to Check In
The sneaky gift of being long distance might mean that you have more capacity for regular emotional support check-ins. Be the friend who sets an alarm to send a text or call on a weekly or monthly basis, whatever makes the most sense for their situation. For recently divorced or widowed friends, put dates like their anniversary or Valentine’s Day on your calendar so you can check in or send a gift. I have a few “heavenly birthdays” on my calendar so I can check in every year on days that I know are difficult.
Commit to one regular care piece over a longer period of time
This not only provides meaningful help, but also let’s people know they’re not forgotten over the long haul.
Examples:
“Your coffee run is on me every Wednesday morning for the next 3 months." Then send them a Starbucks gift card or Venmo them $10 every Tuesday.
“I’ve got dinner the first Friday of the month through September. Expect a gift card from me in your inbox!” Or, if you know them well enough, order takeout they would enjoy and have it delivered on the agreed upon date.
Send a DoorDash gift card
This is my #1 go-to. It is not the most personal, but it is extremely practical. DoorDash gift cards are ELITE care for people in crisis, and they’re easy to send to people who live far away.
Use delivery memberships
Memberships like Instacart and Thrive1 allow you to deliver groceries to any address. Things that are especially helpful: Refills on TP, paper towel, tissues, and paper plates (not having to manage dishes is SUCH a help when you’re struggling), packaged snacks, heat-and-serve meals, rotisserie chickens, pre-chopped fruits, and prepared salads.
Send a card
Snail mail is seriously underrated! There are a lot of really bad/cheesy/unhelpful/overly sentimental cards out there, but there are also some really GREAT ones. These are a few companies I recommend:
XO Laughlin, Co (she also has a lot of great stickers and pins)
Be a Marco Polo Emotional Support Person
Before my dad’s death, I had never used Marco Polo, but soon after he died, a friend sent me a Marco, and it quickly became one of my favorite ways to communicate with people, both near and far. If you’re unfamiliar, Marco Polo allows you to record and send video messages. They can be watched/listened to whenever it is convenient for the other person, and they can respond whenever they’re able as well. It was a great way to emotionally process with friends without having to schedule a phone call.
Deliver a meal
You might not be able to cook and deliver something yourself, but there are several services that offer meal deliveries. A few readers recommended Spoonful of Comfort, which delivers homemade soup, bread, and cookies—the Holy Trinity of comfort foods. What a Crock Meals also has gift boxes with freezer meals that only need to be dumped and reheated in a crock pot.
Be the One that Makes Them Laugh
Send them all the reels you know they’ll love. Fill the text thread with the most ridiculous gifs. Send a card filled with silly stickers. Etsy is FILLED with goofy stickers from TV shows, movies, and pretty much any niche interest you can imagine. These Nick Miller and New Girl stickers feel especially apt for people going through it. I also love these low-expectation gold stars. I went down a sticker rabbit hole, so here are a few more favorites because stickers are the best. I also have to give a shout out to this adorable crocheted Emotional Support Toast. Perfect to slip into a card or care package.
Send a Care Package
Cozy blankets, candles, cookies, snacks, or little treats, slippers or cozy socks, a book, a magazine, chapstick, fancy teas or coffee beans—all of these make great gifts that lean into comfort. If you’re not able to put one together yourself, consider these options from Gift Box Love Co or Unbox Me. For the right friend, a sympathy charcuterie board could be perfect. Also, Jeni’s Ice Cream and Levain Bakery deliver, just saying.
Organize a House Cleaning
Vet some local house cleaners and pay to have them come once or a few times (ask your friend if this is truly helpful before committing!). Some friends might feel they have to pre-clean, which is not helpful.
Send a Gift Card
We’ve already talked about the more obvious ones, but depending on the friend, you might consider a gift card for a massage or pedicure, sending credits on Audible or Libro.fm, or sending an AMC or other movie chain gift card.
Thank you all so much for your kind and generous and thoughtful comments on my last post. I love being a part of a community that wants to show up when shit hits the fan. Please share any ways you’ve given or received love from a friend afar in the comments!
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This is referral link! I love my Thrive membership, and if you want to try it, you can get 40% off your first order with that link.