I’d like for you to pause for a moment and imagine with me: A person is drowning 20 yards out into the ocean. They’re clearly struggling, the waves rising and falling, their chins tilted to stay above the water.
On the shore there are ten people watching. They’re obviously concerned. They love this person! They desperately want to help. So they cup their hands over the mouths and yell towards the drowning person, “Let us know if you need help with anything!”
It’s laughably unhelpful, right? At best, it’s annoying, and at worst, it’s downright insulting. I’M DROWNING OVER HERE, I CAN’T TELL YOU WHAT I NEED.
And yet, this is often what we do when those we care about are struggling. We know they’re carrying a lot. We know they’re grieving or exhausted or depressed. We desperately want to help, but we’re unsure exactly how, so we pass along a hasty, “Let me know if you need anything!,” and put the ball firmly back in the other person’s court, another thing for them to manage, follow up on, and articulate.
I get it. I’ve done it myself many, many times. Offering and receiving care is tricky for all of us. The circumstances surrounding care are often fraught with landmines—grief, chronic illness, health care, parenting—that Americans are notoriously terrible at discussing. We feel awkward and unsure, not wanting to be too pushy or over step.
But here’s what I’ve learned from the times I’ve been the one drowning, or from being in the orbit of Very Tough Times with dear friends and family. You need someone to jump in the water with you. You need an offer of something specific and tangible, and you need it to happen without your management or initiative.
For us, it was the friend who made a meal train sign up, the neighbor who mowed our lawn without us asking, the folks who offered to pick our kids up from school—these were things I needed that I didn’t know how to ask for in the moment.
I didn’t need a vague offer of help, I needed someone to throw me a life raft.
The Life Rafts: Practical Offers of Care
Here’s the good news. We generally know the types of things people need help with. When someone is grieving, or navigating illness, or struggling with depression, they need practical care for their every day needs, the same needs that we all tend to have.
I think of these needs in 4 categories:
Home: Cleaning, Laundry, Dishes, Lawn Mowing, Weeding
Kids: Babysitting, Pick Ups/Drop offs (from school, sports, appointments, etc)
Eating: Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner and Snacks (never underestimate some good snacks, especially for the grieving and post-partum moms)
Companionship: An offer of presence—maybe to cry, maybe to go to a Dr.’s appointment, or maybe to sit on the couch and watch trash television
When offering help, be specific, tangible, and limited.
Ambiguous offers of help still require the receiver to do a lot of planning and decision making. Putting boundaries around your offer helps both of you! It means you can help within your own capacity, and the person receiving help has something specific they can count on.
Be specific about the times and places you’re available. Only have an hour? Share that. Only free on certain days or nights? Offer help for those specific times.
Offer tangible help. Pick something from the categories above and run with it. If you’re willing to do laundry, say that! If you’ve only got five minutes to drop off coffee or send a DoorDash gift card, that’s great, too.
Keep it limited. It seems counterintuitive, but leaving the door wide open for help at any time or in any way is overwhelming. Instead, limit to one or two options. I also like to ask in advance what the receiver’s capacity for company is. Consider saying something like: “I can drop groceries on the porch or stay for 30 minutes if you’d like to chat. I’m great with whatever you prefer.”
Here’s what an offer of care could look like:
You can use any of the prompts below to send a quick text offer of help to someone in your life who might need it. Or, better yet, pick two or three things to offer a “menu” of care.
🏡 Home
I’m headed to Costco. Can I pick up TP, tissues, or any other supplies for you? I’ll leave them on your porch this afternoon.
Hey, would it be helpful if I swung by later tonight and did the dishes or folded laundry?
I’m running errands all day today—grocery store, post office, and pharmacy. Do you need anything picked up or dropped off?
Hey, I have 2 free hours this weekend and would love to aggressively clean or organize something. Is there a space in your house I could tackle?
Can I come mow the lawn or weed your garden on Wednesday night?
👧🏽 Kids
Can I pick up your kids and take them to the park for an evening this week? I’m available on Monday and Tuesday night. I’ll feed them too!
Would it be helpful if I took the kids to school on Tuesday and Thursday this week?
🌯 Food
What’s your coffee order this morning? It’ll be on your doorstep by 9 AM!
Dinner is on me for one night this week! Could I bring something by on Wednesday, Thursday, or Saturday night?
I’m prepping cut fruits and veggies for the week. Can I drop some by for you tomorrow?
I would like to set up a meal train for you. What nights would be best to have meals dropped off at your home? Would four weeks or six weeks be better?
Speaking of meal trains, here are my go-to meal train recipes and all my tips for packaging and delivering food.
👯 Companionship
Would you like company for your doctor’s appointment this week?
Want to go for a walk one night this week? I’m free ___, ____, ____.
Hey, I’m free on Wednesday. Would you like some company? I could help fold laundry or we could just couch rot together.
I have some time on Saturday and would love to spend it with you if you’re up for it. Let me know if you’d prefer: trashy magazines and gossip or a heart to heart (tears always welcome).
If someone says no:
Respect their answer, and move on. They might not have the capacity to receive help or might not need the specific thing you’re able to offer right now. Check in at another time, but don’t push or take it personally. If someone could use dinner, but doesn’t want to have a conversation, drop the dinner and run!
I’d love to hear from you! What’s one of the best things someone did for you when you were in a Tough Time? Let’s brainstorm more ways to offer care in the comments!
I love you just so very much. Thank you for jumping into the deep end with me so many times in life. When I am gearing up to care for someone else - or I'm in a place of reflective gratitude - I think of the ways you and Will have cared so well for me and my children over the years.
This is so unbelievably helpful! These actual ideas are so practical and doable. THANK YOU! Putting this into action this week.