I love you just so very much. Thank you for jumping into the deep end with me so many times in life. When I am gearing up to care for someone else - or I'm in a place of reflective gratitude - I think of the ways you and Will have cared so well for me and my children over the years.
I read this article in my way to a morning appointment and realized I had said this ("let me know..." ) to a friend recently after her husband broke his hip.
Crickets.
I immediately sent her a text suggesting four specific things from your list. She responded within five minutes and took me up on three of the ideas.
THANK YOU. That article was a blessing for both my friend and I. Your ideas changed my way of thinking completely.
Marta, this made me tear up! Thank you so much for sharing. I’m so glad it was helpful to you and that it helped you give the kind of care you wanted to give to your friend. ❤️
I love these practical ways to offer support. A few years ago, I went through a really really tough time, and it was so frustrating to me when people would say "Just let me know if you need anything." I knew I needed some support, but didn't know how to put words to it or even what to ask. Since then, I have looked for ways to offer suggestions to those that I know are going through a tough time, and this list is so helpful!
I’m so glad it’s helpful to you. 🥰 I wouldn’t wish those tough times on anyone, but I do think going through difficult seasons has helped me better care for others when they need it. I’m sure your care and intentionality for others has been a blessing.
As a grieving mom at that 3 month mark when everyone else has moved on and I’m still struggling… thank you. Even just reading the words and imagining that someone could be so kind has me crying.
When my son's family was going through a tough time, I offered to do laundry. Picked up 2 large trash bags, several times. Returned the clothes clean and folded. My DIL appreciated so much.
I do remember when I had a new born, a friend said “I’m headed to Costco , is there anything you need “ and I went ‘uhhhhhh, ummmm, I don’t know….,I guess nothing”. But the neighbors who dropped pasta off, with muffins and oj, saved me . I did not have the executive functioning to answer the grocery list. So when I have a friend with a newborn, what I ask is, “hey is there any food you don’t like?” And then I just make the decisions
I’d love to hear if you have suggestions for how to help when you’re not in the same city. My best friend just lost her mother and I would love to do these things for her but I live 1,000 miles away 😞
You’re not the first person to ask this, and it’s a great question! DoorDash gift cards is my #1 go-to, but I’m working on a follow up post with more ideas. Another cheap, but thoughtful idea: I’ve loved receiving cards with silly stickers in them. A friend sent me silly meme stickers from my favorite TV show, and the laugh was very much appreciated in a dark time.
Uber Eats is good too because they can order food but can also take cars if they need to to doctors appointments or just to give themselves a break (especially in the city if they don’t have a car or if they’re sick and can’t drive)
A DoorDash gift card was super appreciated last year when I lost my mom. Can be used right away or later, but it’s so nice to just know you get the night off!
Thank you for writing this. As someone who is grieving two losses and experiencing the hell of those well-intentioned people shouting from the shore (not to mention their even less helpful cousins, who whisper “I’ll give you some space, just reach out whenever you’re ready” - aka “please finish grieving privately and come back into my life when you’re ’normal’ again”) I have dreamed of saying all that your essay says so well. I wish every British person got assigned reading this. Also, it made me feel seen in my grief, so thank you.
I’m so sorry you’re right in the middle of the ocean right now. I’m glad this made you feel seen, and also hope you receive the tangible support you need right now.
Last year I had four weeks of daily radiation. That meant 20 days of parking in a hospital garage, hoping to keep the appointment to less than one hour so I wouldn’t have to pay (rates went up to $7 per hour after). I told a friend about turning it into a game every day while not wanting to admit I was concerned about the potential daily spend. Sure enough, she Venmo-ed me some just-in-case-money. It was so thoughtful because she listened, took action to solve a possible worry, and didn’t ask. She just did it.
“I’m running errands all day today—grocery store, post office, and pharmacy. Do you need anything picked up or dropped off?” Would you like to ride along?
When my mom died, a friend brought over a bag of grab-and-go food. Nuts, granola bars, soup, dried fruit, crackers, tuna salad packets, etc. All kinds of things I could just open and eat. I had zero appetite and zero motivation to cook. That bag was a lifeline, and I’ve passed it along to others, particularly caregivers who are running to the hospital daily. It’s so appreciated.
The day I took our elderly Labrador to the vet for the last time, I came home to find a cooler on my front doorstep, filled with supper for the six of us. I will never ever forget that quiet kindness.
This is so unbelievably helpful! These actual ideas are so practical and doable. THANK YOU! Putting this into action this week.
I'm so glad it was helpful! Sometimes it's just hard to know what to say in the moment, and it helps me so much to have some scripts to come back to.
I love you just so very much. Thank you for jumping into the deep end with me so many times in life. When I am gearing up to care for someone else - or I'm in a place of reflective gratitude - I think of the ways you and Will have cared so well for me and my children over the years.
Oh Erin, this is one of the best compliments we could ever receive. 🥹 Happy to hang out in the deep end with you any time!
I read this article in my way to a morning appointment and realized I had said this ("let me know..." ) to a friend recently after her husband broke his hip.
Crickets.
I immediately sent her a text suggesting four specific things from your list. She responded within five minutes and took me up on three of the ideas.
THANK YOU. That article was a blessing for both my friend and I. Your ideas changed my way of thinking completely.
Marta, this made me tear up! Thank you so much for sharing. I’m so glad it was helpful to you and that it helped you give the kind of care you wanted to give to your friend. ❤️
I love these practical ways to offer support. A few years ago, I went through a really really tough time, and it was so frustrating to me when people would say "Just let me know if you need anything." I knew I needed some support, but didn't know how to put words to it or even what to ask. Since then, I have looked for ways to offer suggestions to those that I know are going through a tough time, and this list is so helpful!
I’m so glad it’s helpful to you. 🥰 I wouldn’t wish those tough times on anyone, but I do think going through difficult seasons has helped me better care for others when they need it. I’m sure your care and intentionality for others has been a blessing.
I completely agree that it has helped me better care for others going through a difficult season.
As a grieving mom at that 3 month mark when everyone else has moved on and I’m still struggling… thank you. Even just reading the words and imagining that someone could be so kind has me crying.
Gwenna, I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope you are surrounded by support and care as you navigate the months ahead.
Sending love to you Gwenna and a hope that you receive that kindness. Mind yourself ❤️
When my son's family was going through a tough time, I offered to do laundry. Picked up 2 large trash bags, several times. Returned the clothes clean and folded. My DIL appreciated so much.
Door Dash gifts cards are really great too
What a gift! I aspire to be like you when my kids are adults!
I do remember when I had a new born, a friend said “I’m headed to Costco , is there anything you need “ and I went ‘uhhhhhh, ummmm, I don’t know….,I guess nothing”. But the neighbors who dropped pasta off, with muffins and oj, saved me . I did not have the executive functioning to answer the grocery list. So when I have a friend with a newborn, what I ask is, “hey is there any food you don’t like?” And then I just make the decisions
That’s an excellent way to ask the question. The more decisions you can eliminate, the better!
I’d love to hear if you have suggestions for how to help when you’re not in the same city. My best friend just lost her mother and I would love to do these things for her but I live 1,000 miles away 😞
You’re not the first person to ask this, and it’s a great question! DoorDash gift cards is my #1 go-to, but I’m working on a follow up post with more ideas. Another cheap, but thoughtful idea: I’ve loved receiving cards with silly stickers in them. A friend sent me silly meme stickers from my favorite TV show, and the laugh was very much appreciated in a dark time.
Uber Eats is good too because they can order food but can also take cars if they need to to doctors appointments or just to give themselves a break (especially in the city if they don’t have a car or if they’re sick and can’t drive)
Look into a Spoonful of Comfort.
Aubri, I just wrote a post about ways to care for long distance friends. I hope it helps. ❤️🩹https://newsletter.neighborfoodblog.com/p/what-to-do-when-you-cant-bring-a
A DoorDash gift card was super appreciated last year when I lost my mom. Can be used right away or later, but it’s so nice to just know you get the night off!
Thank you for writing this. As someone who is grieving two losses and experiencing the hell of those well-intentioned people shouting from the shore (not to mention their even less helpful cousins, who whisper “I’ll give you some space, just reach out whenever you’re ready” - aka “please finish grieving privately and come back into my life when you’re ’normal’ again”) I have dreamed of saying all that your essay says so well. I wish every British person got assigned reading this. Also, it made me feel seen in my grief, so thank you.
I’m so sorry you’re right in the middle of the ocean right now. I’m glad this made you feel seen, and also hope you receive the tangible support you need right now.
Last year I had four weeks of daily radiation. That meant 20 days of parking in a hospital garage, hoping to keep the appointment to less than one hour so I wouldn’t have to pay (rates went up to $7 per hour after). I told a friend about turning it into a game every day while not wanting to admit I was concerned about the potential daily spend. Sure enough, she Venmo-ed me some just-in-case-money. It was so thoughtful because she listened, took action to solve a possible worry, and didn’t ask. She just did it.
Listening + just doing is so so powerful. Thank you for sharing this. ❤️
“I’m running errands all day today—grocery store, post office, and pharmacy. Do you need anything picked up or dropped off?” Would you like to ride along?
Yes. Hell yes.
Asking if someone wants to ride along is a great addition!
Yes! This is so helpful and true.
When my mom died, a friend brought over a bag of grab-and-go food. Nuts, granola bars, soup, dried fruit, crackers, tuna salad packets, etc. All kinds of things I could just open and eat. I had zero appetite and zero motivation to cook. That bag was a lifeline, and I’ve passed it along to others, particularly caregivers who are running to the hospital daily. It’s so appreciated.
A snack bag is such a great and helpful idea. Feeding yourself is its own special challenge when you’re grieving. ❤️🩹
This is the best advice I've ever read
Perfectly described. Thanks for the reminder.
The day I took our elderly Labrador to the vet for the last time, I came home to find a cooler on my front doorstep, filled with supper for the six of us. I will never ever forget that quiet kindness.
Friends delivered warm cookies when our dog passed, and I feel the same way. Such a simple act of care, but I will never forget it.
I absolutely love this 🙏🏻